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A 45-year-old mother faces a tough decision about whether to tell her 12-year-old daughter, Julie, the truth about her strained history with her father. The mother divorced Julie’s father a decade ago after he accused her of infidelity, despite her faithfulness. DNA tests confirmed Julie was his child, but doubts lingered.
Since the divorce, Julie’s father has been distant, showing less interest in her compared to their other two children. Recently, however, he has started attending Julie’s soccer games and showing more involvement. Julie is confused by this sudden attention and asks why her parents divorced. The mother has said that sometimes people fall out of love, matching the father’s explanation.
Julie, feeling hurt and confused, has shared her frustration over her father’s past indifference. She feels inadequate despite her efforts to gain his affection. The mother, moved by Julie’s pain, is torn between revealing the truth about the divorce and maintaining the fragile bond between Julie and her father.
Friends and family are divided. Some think Julie deserves the truth to understand her father’s behavior and heal. Others worry that this might harm the growing bond between Julie and her father. The mother plans to seek therapy for Julie and the family to help with these emotions. She also intends to talk with her ex-husband to find the best way to handle the truth, aiming to minimize harm to Julie while addressing the issues.
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A 45-year-old mother is wrestling with a dilemma about whether to reveal the truth to her 12-year-old daughter, Julie, regarding the complicated history with her father.
A decade ago, the mother divorced Julie’s father after he accused her of infidelity, a claim rooted in his doubts about Julie’s paternity, despite clear DNA evidence proving she was his.
Since the divorce, the father has had a notably distant relationship with Julie, but his recent interest in her soccer talent has led to a sudden increase in his involvement, sparking Julie’s curiosity about the reasons behind his past indifference and the divorce.
Julie has shared her confusion and hurt over her father’s previous lack of attention, expressing feelings of inadequacy and frustration at her failed attempts to gain his affection.
The mother is torn between revealing the painful truth about the divorce’s impact and risking the fragile yet hopeful bond forming between Julie and her father.
With advice from friends and family split on whether Julie should learn the truth, the mother is considering therapy for Julie and the family while also planning to discuss the situation with her ex-husband to determine the best course of action to address the issues without causing further harm.
Let’s swiftly assess a handful of the top comments: AITA for telling my daughter the truth about her dad?
What happens if Julie gets injured and can’t play soccer anymore? Or decides she wants to…I don’t know….something else? That he doesn’t respect as much as her playing soccer?
I don’t think anyone is entertaining thoughts of him changing as a person, like him realizing how much he has sucked for over 12 years over a totally debunked delusion…. he likes her now because she is adding value to his ego by being an athlete…. Is this “dad” going to go back to treating her like she barely exists? She is 12. She knows her dad didn’t treat her the same as her siblings…and now he is being loving towards her. But she doesn’t trust it.
This totally sucks. If he had changed…then HE should tell her….”honey, I made a mistake. I blamed you but it was my fault. And I am sorry to have wasted your childhood because I’m an asshole. ” But he hasn’t changed at all.
So my feeling is, even though Fuck! I don’t want to say this…is that you need to tell her. So she can prepare herself. It sucks…but she sounds like a smart girl…and she is probably already bracing herself for when he goes back to ignoring her. My heart is breaking contemplating all of this.
Now I was prepared to tell you to clench your teeth and don’t tell her cause she does not deserve that burden. But then I read she already knows/noticed and is fully aware of her father’s change (it must’ve been really horrible before). So Now I think you should explain carefully, but truthfully. She can move on from there.
I think you should talk to a child therapist first. Explain how Julie knows something is wrong and ask how you should proceed. NTA
No judgement here. I’m torn on this since she already knows something isn’t right. The not knowing why might be just as bad as knowing why. She’s not 8 anymore and sooner or later she will find out the truth. Will when she finds out say five years from now she’ll also have to come to term that her mom has been lying to her for many years.
I would say she deserves the truth and she already suspects it’s not pretty. But you need to be very careful with choosing your words.
NTA. I was about the same age when I was asking questions about my biological father (he wasn’t in my life. ) People saying she as a 12 year old won’t have the capacity to understand, don’t realize that 12 year olds are pretty smart and empathetic. I knew when people acted off or a lie was told (my parents were toxic and told lots of lies! lol).
My mother was actually truthful about my father and I appreciated it. I met him not long after, talked for a while, and then he abandoned me again! But because I knew the history of him, that he chose to not be in my life, I didn’t think it was something I did wrong.
I think you should gently tell her the truth, but try to paint that he’s trying in a good light. Like you said, he doesn’t deserve the relationship, but she does.
