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AITA for Wanting to Visit My Daughter for the Birth of Her Second Child? I’m a woman in my late 50s with two kids. My oldest daughter is about to give birth to her second child next month, and I was hoping to be there for the big moment.
Here’s some background: my ex-husband and I divorced about 18 years ago. He was 12 years older than me and struggled with alcoholism. I got married young and did my best to raise our kids, but eventually, I felt like I needed to move on for my well-being. So, I left and moved to Sedona to get involved with the spiritual community, leaving our home in New York.
When I left, my daughter was 20 and my son was 17. Both of them were off to college, so I thought they were old enough to understand my decision. Since then, I’ve tried to stay involved in their lives. I visit them twice a year, spending time with them and my grandson. Since I’m on a tight budget, I usually stay with my daughter when I visit.
For the upcoming birth, I planned to stay for a month to help out. But when I called to make plans, my daughter told me she didn’t want me to come for the birth at all. She said I “abandoned” them when I left and that I can’t just show up for the happy moments. She said I’m welcome to come in January, but I’ll need to stay in a hotel.
Her words hurt me because I’ve always tried to be helpful when I visit. I cook, clean, and babysit so she and her husband can have some time together.
I know I live far away, but I’ve always made sure to visit at least twice a year, even though it’s expensive for me. I got upset and told her that I wish she had told me about her feelings sooner instead of holding onto this resentment. She responded by saying that I left her and my son without a home to come back to during college breaks because I “disappeared.”
The call ended with both of us feeling angry and upset. I’m hurt because I feel like I’ve tried to be there for my kids as much as I can, but she sees it differently. AITA for wanting to visit for the birth and feeling hurt by her reaction?
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Having married at a young age, she faced significant challenges in her marriage, as her husband, who was 12 years older, struggled with alcoholism. About 18 years ago, their marriage ended in divorce, and she moved to Sedona to pursue a more spiritual lifestyle, leaving behind her life in New York. At the time, her daughter was 20 and her son 17, both beginning their college journeys.
Despite financial constraints, she makes an effort to visit her children and grandson twice a year. During her visits, she typically stays with her daughter, offering help by cooking, cleaning, and babysitting to give her daughter and son-in-law some time together.
She had planned to stay for a month around the time of her daughter’s second child’s birth, but her daughter expressed that she didn’t want her there for the birth, accusing her of abandoning them and saying she couldn’t just show up for the good moments. Her daughter also suggested visiting in January but asked her to stay in a hotel.
This was hurtful for her because she believed she had made efforts to stay connected, despite the physical distance. During a phone call, she expressed her frustration, telling her daughter she wished she’d shared her feelings sooner. Her daughter then brought up that she felt abandoned during college breaks when she had no home to return to, and the conversation ended on a bitter note. Now, she is left questioning if she is in the wrong.
Top Opinions of the Redditors of this story: AITA for Wanting to Visit My Daughter for the Birth of Her Second Child?
Yeah. My due date is literally tomorrow. I always go late (this is my 4th). I asked my mom to come tomorrow. I’m glad she’s coming. I still don’t want her here for a full month. That’s too long.
I hate when anyone helps me try to clean. It’s not helpful to have things put away in the wrong place. If the daughter really found it helpful she would ask for OPs help. Instead she wants OP at a hotel so clearly it’s not helpful.
I had the same experience. My mom stayed with me for the first 2 weeks and everything was great… the second she wasn’t there is when the baby “woke up” and all hell was breaking loose every night lol.
LissR89 Writes:
My mom stayed for 3 weeks when my son was born and.. Yikes. Meant well, but I really wish I’d have had her come later. It was more work to host her than it was helpful. Sure, she held my son for me, but as a newborn he really didn’t need much because he was still a sleepy potato. A three week visit would’ve helped so much more for her visit when he was 6 months old.
The daughter already gave OP a time to visit in the month after the birth. The daughter also changed from hosting her mom to a hotel, which makes me doubt OP is as ‘helpful’ as she thinks. Scheduling any visit outside those parameters is going to irritate the daughter, especially with a new baby. No coming and staying around the time of the birth after being told no. Follow the daughter’s lead.
