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AITA for Telling My Fiance He Needs to Pick a New Best Man? My fiancé, Kevin (28M), and I (30F) had planned to get married a few years ago, but we postponed it due to the global situation. We’ve now set a date for this coming August, and as we get closer, more and more details about the wedding keep surfacing.
My biggest issue is that Kevin’s best man is now his best woman. Kevin and Amy (26MTF) have been friends for over a decade. When they first met, Amy identified as a man up until our original wedding date. Kevin and Amy have a very close, almost sibling-like relationship. Kevin was kicked out by his mom at 17 and met Amy at work shortly after. She’s the closest thing he has to family.
Initially, Amy planned to come out to Kevin after the wedding, but after discovering the delay, she decided to tell him.
Without consulting me, Kevin told her that he was fine with her transition and that if she wanted to wear a dress to our wedding, he’d find one that matched the colors of his groomsmen. Amy has been transitioning for about a year now, and Kevin recently reminded me that we need to find her a dress.
I don’t have a problem with Amy personally, and I understand her importance to Kevin. However, our wedding will largely be attended by my very traditional family. Kevin has always said that the wedding isn’t that important to him and that he’s only doing it because it’s important to me and my family.
I know my family would have a lot of issues with Amy, which I fear would bring unwanted or outright rude attention toward her.
For this reason, I asked Kevin to choose someone else to be his best man and to request that Amy attend as just a guest. This led to a huge fight, with Kevin threatening to cancel the wedding if Amy can’t be part of the wedding party because he wants someone from his family in it.
I’m trying to get him to understand the issues this will cause, but I’m not sure he understands.
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AITA for Telling My Fiance He Needs to Pick a New Best Man?
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My fiancé, Kevin (28M), and I (30F) are finally getting married this August after postponing due to global events. Kevin’s best man, Amy (26MTF), recently transitioned from male to female. They’ve been friends for over a decade, and Kevin considers her family since he was kicked out by his mom at 17 and met Amy shortly after.
Amy initially planned to come out after our original wedding date but revealed her transition during the delay. Kevin immediately supported her and promised to find her a dress matching his groomsmen’s colors. Now that Amy has been transitioning for about a year, Kevin reminded me about getting her dress.
Although I respect Amy and her bond with Kevin, our wedding will be attended by my very traditional family, who might react negatively. Kevin has always said the wedding is more for me and my family, so I asked him to choose another best man and let Amy attend as a guest to avoid any drama.
This sparked a huge fight, with Kevin threatening to cancel the wedding if Amy isn’t at the wedding party, as he wants someone from his family involved. I’m struggling to make him understand the potential issues, and now I’m questioning if I’m in the wrong. AITA?
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I don’t want to be rude but I have had a question since a long time and I am not sure whom to ask this. So, in this case, the transition already happened right and everyone is addressing her as Amy. So, how would anyone know her past if she is being introduced as the grooms best friend?
Like even in the case if restrooms, I understand if the transition hasn’t happened, but once its done how would anyone know about their past?
Thank you for asking this in a sensitive way. Medical treatment for gender affirmation care is a very slow process. In the post, OP says Amy has been in the process for less than one year. It is likely that Amy still looks like a “man” in the eyes of OP’s transphobic family. So, the transphobes will label Amy as a “man in a dress.” OP doesn’t want to rock the boat, and in that she thinks she’s being “neutral” and keeping the peace. She is not doing that, she is allowing transphobes to call the shots at her own wedding, at the expense of her fiancé’s and Amy’s personal welfare, and frankly she is being transphobic herself.
I would disinvite the transphobes, personally. But to be TOTALLY honest, this is a non issue. Weddings are chaotic for the bride and groom. If it’s a traditional big wedding, OP can easily hold a boundary and literally IGNORE every statement made, move on to the next table at the reception, and repeat. And she can kick out any transphobes who can’t handle boundaries. Post-wedding, she can continue the same with any calls or messages from transphobic family.
ETA: she can also kick out anyone who tries to “confront” Amy. But like I said, I’d disinvite the transphobes because it frankly will put Amy in a potentially very dangerous situation, especially if there will be alcohol served.
Your guy let you run loose with the wedding. Make all the decisions because he knows it’s super important to you and to your family. His one request is that his only family member, his best friend to be his best woman!!! It’s completely understandable that he is livid and threatening to cancel the wedding.
If you care for Amy and respect your husband to be you will not only accept Amy as his best woman with open arms, make her feel completely accepted but also put a STRICT BOUNDARY or wedding etiquette if you will that ANYONE who is caught making any rude/transphobic remarks towards Amy or at the wedding will be asked and forced to leave.
Give your so called traditional family a heads up and remind them seriously multiple times that this a zero tolerance issue and this boundary is not to be crossed and if they spoil your wedding day with their transphobic behavior there will hell to pay. You can tell them: I am telling you in advance this so you are not surprised when security escorts you out of the venue.
This is the only way to proceed you cannot sweep Amy under the rug, she is not a dirty secret. She is a spectacular human being who stood by your husband’s side when all of his family deserted him!!! She is family!!!
YTA, but you still can salvage this!!!
