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I (44F) divorced my ex-husband (47M )two years ago and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (45M) since then, with no infidelity involved. Although my ex and I had frequent arguments, the divorce process turned out to be less contentious than expected.
James, my ex-husband, and I were married for 21 years. In Massachusetts, I was entitled to stay on his health insurance as his ex-spouse. The court also granted me lifetime alimony because I stayed home to raise our four children (21M, 19F, 18M, 16M), unless I remarried, which would end the alimony.
If either James or I remarry, I would lose my health insurance. Despite this, James has made it clear that he dislikes the idea of marriage or remarrying more than he dislikes my ongoing coverage under his insurance. He even said, “Luckily for you, it’s not worth the emotional or financial cost for me to marry just to remove you from my health insurance.”
One reason I didn’t work during our marriage was that James is a doctor, and our calculations showed that my income wouldn’t cover childcare for our four kids. I’ve found that if I had stayed in my previous administrative job, I’d be earning around $17 an hour today. Unfortunately, finding such work now seems unlikely.
My boyfriend and I are very much in love, and I sometimes wish we had met earlier. He is understanding and values work-life balance, unlike my ex, who was always juggling between his private practice and a county hospital.
At present, my boyfriend and I live separately and exchange small gifts. Our relationship was stable until I had a pregnancy scare. He then said that if I became pregnant again, he would want us to live together as a couple, not as two separate individuals. He proposed, but I had to decline to protect my health insurance and financial security.
I’m puzzled by my boyfriend’s reaction. He works as a case manager at a nonprofit, and combining our finances would mean living on a much smaller income than what I have now, excluding child support. This situation could lead to financial strain. Am I wrong for rejecting his proposal?
Additionally, moving in together isn’t an option because family court laws would interpret it as me receiving financial support from him, which would jeopardize my benefits. If there were a way to live together without losing my support, we would do so without hesitation.
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Let’s swiftly assess a handful of the top comments: AITA for Rejecting My Boyfriend’s Proposal to Keep My Benefits?
You better use that health insurance to get your tubes tied. Another baby is the last thing you need, especially at 44+
somuchwax Writes:
I love how you call it an archaic law that is preventing you from living with your boyfriend, but this is the same law that you are taking advantage of to the extent of not marrying the person that you want to live with and play house with.
I’m a supporter of alimony to SAHMs, but you can’t have it both ways. NAH, but realize that you are choosing money over your boyfriend. I don’t blame him for having a gigantic issue with that.
Not your attorney, but you should be aware that your ex husband can still file for a modification when he reaches retirement age regardless of the fact that you were married for 20+ years. You might not be set for life. I’d make sure that you’re saving for your own retirement funds. Look up Pierce v Pierce.
