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AITA for Rejecting an Offer on My Wife Dream Home? My wife (34F) and I (38M) are house hunting for the first time, and it’s been a challenging process. We created detailed lists of our needs and wants for a home, and while we agree on most things—like multiple bedrooms, good schools, and a fenced yard—there’s one major deal-breaker for me: no HOA.
I had a tough experience with my parents’ HOA when I was a teenager, and I’m adamant about avoiding any property governed by one. Despite any house meeting all other criteria, I refuse to even consider it if it has an HOA.
Our search has been tough. We’ve been outbid on several properties, faced bidding wars, and had countless arguments. It’s been frustrating.
Last week, our realtor found a new listing that seemed perfect. My wife fell head over heels for the photos and was eager to tour the house. However, when I checked the listing, I saw it had an HOA. I told her I wasn’t interested and didn’t want to visit the property.
She went ahead and arranged a tour with the realtor anyway, saw the house, and came back excited to make an offer. She was insistent that this was her “dream home” and urged me to at least submit an offer to see what the sellers say.
I reminded her that our agreement was for both of us to agree on a house, and an HOA was my absolute deal-breaker. It felt like she was undermining our agreement and my concerns. She argued that a little HOA inconvenience wouldn’t outweigh how much we’d love the house and downplayed the impact of living under HOA rules.
She’s never experienced an HOA’s challenges firsthand, so she doesn’t fully understand my stance. I pointed out that we both agreed that one veto would be enough to eliminate a house from consideration and that my position on HOAs was clearly communicated from the start.
Now she’s furious with me for rejecting her “dream home.” She’s convinced we’ll never find another house that meets her needs and insists I should overlook the HOA issue. I believe she’s letting her frustration with the home search cloud her judgment and taking it out on me.
AITA for sticking to my deal-breaker and blocking the offer on what she calls her “dream home”?
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AITA for Rejecting an Offer on My Wife Dream Home?
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My wife (34F) and I (38M) are house hunting for the first time. We’ve agreed on most of our needs and wants—like multiple bedrooms, good schools, and a fenced yard—but I have one deal-breaker: no HOA. I had a terrible experience with my parents’ HOA, and I refuse to consider any property that has one.
Our search has been tough. We’ve faced bidding wars, lost offers, and had numerous arguments. Last week, our realtor found what seemed to be the perfect house. My wife was excited, but I saw it had an HOA and refused to even tour it.
Despite my objections, she toured the house alone and came back eager to make an offer, calling it her “dream home.” She argued that the HOA wouldn’t be a big deal and that we should submit an offer.
I reminded her of our agreement that either of us could veto a house, and my stance on HOAs was clear from the start. She’s never dealt with an HOA, so she doesn’t understand my concerns. Now, she’s furious and insists we’ll never find another house like this one.
AITA for sticking to my deal-breaker and refusing to make an offer on her dream home.
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That makes sense. A commute is a daily quality of life impact.
Are there options in your price range that meet the needs/wants lists in places without HOAs? In my area, most of the places with the best schools are suburbs. And it’s almost impossible to buy in the suburbs without an HOA. So that being a deal-breaker would pretty much prevent me from buying anything that met my list of needs/wants.
Have you looked into the specific HOA for this house? I’ve owned two houses in HOAs and one was neutral (no negatives or problems, but no positive impacts either), and one was fantastic with amenities and events and helped make the neighborhood a great place to live. My parents haven’t had any issues with HOAs in 4 different houses over 30ish years.
I would ask her why she even bothered making the agreement with you if she was just going to throw it out? And what if you found a place and she vetoed it, or vetoed something else in your marriage? Do you no longer have to respect when she says “no”?
This actually happened with another house our realtor found for us. I loved it. Checked all my needs and wants. But it was a further commute than my wife wanted. I WFH but she’s a dental hygienist so she has to drive to work every day. She didn’t want to spend that much time in a car every day, so we didn’t pursue it even though I really wanted to. I brought that up during the argument about this HOA house and she did not appreciate it.
ahknewb Writes:
You’re allowed to both have deal-breakers. So, regardless of what your deal breakers are, you are NTA here.
That said… I know reddit is a hate filled ragegoblin when it comes to HOAs. And there are ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE ones out there. But, there are also perfectly harmless ones. And there are even really nice ones that do a good job WITHOUT being obnoxious.
Want to know how to tell? Go take a walk in the neighborhood on a Saturday. Say hi to people you meet. Pet their dogs and talk to them about the neighborhood and the HOA. If it’s garbage, people are going to be itching to tell you their horror stories.
