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When my son revealed that he was my daughter, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe that such a major change had occurred without me knowing, and I struggled to accept her new identity. My initial resistance put a lot of strain on our relationship, but being open about my struggle, though challenging, allowed her to see that I was making an effort.
Over time, my resistance began to wane. A significant moment came when I saw how truly happy she was, which was a powerful realization. Another breakthrough happened when I learned about the extensive thought and consultations involved in her transition, showing me just how serious and committed she was.
Connecting with another parent of a trans child helped me feel less alone. They shared their own struggles and mistakes, reassuring me that it was okay to falter while learning. This support was especially comforting as I worked on using her new name and pronouns. A colleague’s advice on correcting myself without needing to be perfect was incredibly helpful.
There were many challenges along the way, including difficulties with using her chosen name and sharing stories from her past. I also discovered that even small things, like terms of endearment, can carry gendered implications, which require careful thought.
Our journey hasn’t been without its bumps. We still face disagreements and misunderstandings, and there are aspects of growing up female that she finds hard to grasp. However, the acceptance shown by my younger son’s friends has been encouraging and provided a new perspective.
Not everyone has been supportive. A close family member’s tolerance of transphobic abuse directed at my daughter was both shocking and hurtful. The wider societal issues, like anti-trans legislation and public hostility, have only added to her challenges.
My daughter has shown incredible patience with family members who struggle with her identity, like her Grandad with dementia and her Nanna, who makes mistakes but means well. Her proactive approach to managing her mental health has been inspiring. Recently, I attended a doctor’s appointment with her, which was a mix of sadness for her struggles and pride in her strength.
Looking back, I realize I went through a grieving process—mourning the son I thought I had and the future I envisioned. Embracing my daughter has revealed a deep and profound blessing. I love her dearly and am grateful every day for the gift of having her in my life.
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Let’s Check out the Remarks: AITA for Having Doubts About My Trans Daughter Until I Saw Her Thriving?
EggyWeggsandToast Writes:
I had a close family member come out as trans, it wasn’t a surprise, everyone was accepting (sans one aunt but she is a nutcase). We all dead named and misgendered him for at least a year.
To some degree you are mourning the loss of your idea of them. Then they are still them, you get used to the new name and they are happier.
FlyLikeMouse Writes:
This is hard to phrase appropriately; but Id go further and say I think itd be uncaring to not question something so huge and monumental, especially if the kid is quite young etc. Because some things are products of our environment, and other things are innate, and other things are both… and if you truly care about your child you probably want to pause abd double check all sorts of big decisions or proclamations – just to double check its truth for them. And that is, classically, where clashes between well-meaning parents and misunderstood children often begins. As long as you are willing to work towards what brings them the greatest happiness in their life, then Id say you’re doing great… even if at first it comes across as more disappointing compared to immediate and overly enthusiastic acceptance.
This is absolutely true. I came out to my family about 6.5 years ago and it was definitely a struggle for them. Unfortunately after about a year of making some efforts to acknowledge my identity they started to backpedal on their “religion” that they had never acknowledged before in my almost 30 years of life prior. Everything became a religious argument about how I didn’t deserve respect from them because I would get upset at being deadnamed and misgendered all in the name of their religion and I “had to accept their relationship with god”
Needless to say I don’t speak with them anymore. They are effectively dead to me and I can’t wait until my life is completely free of them. I used to trust my parents with anything, and now I absolutely despise them. Let them have their religion, Unfortunately it was more important than the relationship with their daughter.
But I wouldn’t say that my experience is typical, most trans individuals I know had parents that struggled. They had to make an effort just like OP. It’s not always easy, but as hard as it is for the parents, it is a mountain of difficultly for those of us that are going through the process personally. As horrible and awful and evil as my “parents” are it is nice to know that there are others out there genuinely doing their best to love us and accept us.
And just a heads up fwiw to the comment above me, we don’t really like being referred to as the “transgenders” we are generally trans women/ trans men/ non-binary. It’s kind of disrespectful. It’s an adjective not a noun and to reduce us to that one singular thing is hurtful and wrong.
Yep. My trans son came to me as the first adult he spoke to, and from the outside I would have looked like an immediate rainbow painter. But I had a struggle, I just struggled privately. I think grief is normal, for me it was somewhat short lived. Like OP, I saw my son was happier, and I knew my child was still the same person, and I still loved him.
At the end of the day, as parents, we don’t have a lot of say in who our child becomes. Our role is to be a safe space and nurture them into the best version of themselves, which is what I focus on.
KeiwaM Writes:
There are the haters, who cut off and disown their trans kids, and then there are the people who immediately paint the rainbow for their kids. What about the rest of us, who love our kids dearly, but have found this whole process challenging and have made mistakes along the way?
I know the media only depicts those two, but I am willing to risk it and say that 90% of the parents that “immediately paint the rainbow flag” had troubles adjusting to it. Unless the parents already are a couple involved in the community, it is gonna take time, even for the most loving parent. My girlfriend’s grandparents love her immensely and have always supported her from the start, and they still, to this day, sometimes mess up. Deadnaming and misgendering sometimes just happens, becuase that’s who they have known since childhood. So don’t beat yourself up, the media depiction is largely exaggarated. 90% of parents to transgender people have issues adjusting. The most important part is accepting and trying.
