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AITA for Issuing an Ultimatum to My Son About His Future? My wife and I have three kids, ages 17, 15, and 10. Our oldest is about to finish high school, but he hasn’t shown any interest in what he wants to do next. So, I gave him the same choice my parents gave me: either go to university, get a job, or move out.
When I was his age, I chose to spend two years traveling and working hard, mostly through sailing, thanks to my dad’s connections. It wasn’t a vacation, I worked to support myself. When I got back, I went to university and then joined the family business.
We are financially stable and could support our kids through university or other things. Our middle child is already on track to earn scholarships for both academics and golf and our youngest, at 10, still has time to figure things out. We’ve always been clear with our kids about what we expect: we want them to be responsible and independent.
My wife thinks I’m being too tough on our oldest by expecting him to take on responsibility at 18. She feels like I’m pushing him into the world before he’s ready. I’ve given him different options to explore, but he’s only interested in spending time on his computer. My parents have also told him they won’t give him money if he’s not in school or working.
Now, my wife is thinking about using her income to support him if he doesn’t want to go to school or get a job. While I can’t control her decision, I plan to stop covering his expenses and reduce our grocery budget by 20%.
I’m not planning to kick him out, but I do think it’s important for him to learn responsibility and independence. I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t think it’s wrong to expect an adult to start acting like one
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AITA for Issuing an Ultimatum to My Son About His Future?
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It’s not “fending for oneself” when the parents tell the kids “go to university, we pay for it, you stay under our roof OR work, keep your money to yourself, you stay under our roof OR choose to do nothing with your life and you’ll have to fend for yourself”. Not at all. You don’t even give him ultimatums about what to study or what job to take. He could bum around from major to major or from minimum wage job to another, while figuring out what he wants to do with his life. With all expenses paid.
He’s not going to get sudden inspiration on how to spend his adult life by staying home and doing nothing.
NTA, for actually parenting your kid.
That was my first thought too. Forcing to go to uni at all costs would have been TA for me. Asking to do something reasonable or even really anything resembling an education or a job is obviously NTA. What exactly is he supposed to do otherwise – sit around for 60 years? You are doing precisely what a parent is supposed to do.
So OP you are absolutely right. But you might want to dig a little deeper into what is going on with him that he seems to display zero ambition or interest in anything. You mention in a comment that he has good grades – is that a coincidence or does he study with a fair amount of diligence? Did he have interests in the last years and just recently become apathetic? Could he suffer from (undiagnosed) depression or forms of anxiety?
Otoh, with all due respect, your wife is quite unreasonable here. “Throwing the poor baby boy into the world”? It’s called becoming an adult. It doesn’t help him (or her) to coddle him into infinity.
Break down the big task of figuring out the future and a career into smaller tasks and help him understand what his options are besides a nebulous “go to college” and “get a job”.
My husband is a teacher and told me that his kids are always exploring internships or volunteering at hospitals or whatnot. Reading about what a job entails is not the same as “living” it. Maybe start there with him. You sound like you have means and probably know a good friend or two that also own businesses. Ask them to hire him, if they can’t afford to pay, you can cover the salary. Have him try an array of different options of jobs and trades, he’s probably not sure where he fits and where to start.
Oh, and make sure your wife is on board or it won’t work.
Good luck and of course,
NTA, but all your efforts will be pointless if you and your wife can’t get on the same page. I think you need to talk this out further with her, try and make her see you’re helping him in the long run by making a firm
NTA and bless you for trying to keep your kids on the right track. It’s not to be mean! It’s to make them self sufficient, and the sooner they start learning how the world works the better. The soon this foot is down the better, enabling is not helpful!
My learning curve started at 16 when I moved out, I started trying everything I could to learn and grow and find a way to enjoy life. Yet my boyfriends daughter is now in her 20s and expects to be supported in her ambition to be on her phone and smoke weed with her friends as those are the only things that don’t give her “panic attacks.”
