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AITA for Ending My Engagement Over a Background Check by My Future In Laws? In the Western US, a couple was basking in the joy of their recent engagement after years of a loving relationship. Everything seemed perfect until an unexpected and troubling twist emerged. The fiancée’s parents, taking matters into their own hands, conducted a criminal background check on their future son-in-law without asking for consent.
The revelation came with a demand for a meeting to discuss the results—a requirement rather than a simple request. This was a major shock for the individual, who saw this as a significant breach of privacy and trust. While their criminal record was clean apart from a few minor traffic tickets, they felt humiliated by the invasion and worried about the impact on their relationship with their fiancée’s family.
Conflicted and anxious, the individual reached out for advice. They were unsure if their reaction was an overreaction if this was a sign of deeper issues or just an overprotective parental gesture, often referred to as a “Shovel Talk.” Despite the pain of the situation, they understood the need to address this issue with their fiancée. She was equally surprised and confused by her parents’ actions.
As they weighed their options, including the possibility of ending the engagement if the situation couldn’t be resolved, they were determined to handle the matter delicately. Their goal was to have an open and honest conversation with their fiancée to understand and set clear boundaries for the future.
The outcome would depend on their ability to navigate this challenging situation together, fostering understanding and respect while addressing concerns about personal privacy and family boundaries.
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AITA for Ending My Engagement Over a Background Check by My Future In Laws?
A couple in the Western US was thrilled about their engagement after years of a loving relationship. However, their joy soon turned to concern when the fiancée’s parents conducted a criminal background check on their future son-in-law without permission.
Moreover, they demanded a meeting to discuss the results, which felt like an invasion of privacy. Despite having no serious criminal history, the individual felt humiliated and worried about their future with the family.
Consequently, they sought advice on whether their reaction was an overreaction or a reasonable response to overprotective parental concerns. The fiancée was equally shocked and confused. Now, the couple is facing a tough decision. They need to discuss the issue openly and decide if they can resolve it amicably or if it might lead to breaking off the engagement.
Ultimately, their future hinges on their ability to address these privacy concerns and set clear boundaries.
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Let’s swiftly assess a handful of the top comments: AITA for Ending My Engagement Over a Background Check by My Future In Laws?
TarzanKitty writes:
YWBTA
If you blindsided your fiancee by dumping her for something she might not even know anything about.
Tell the future ILs that you would be happy to sit down with them. During this discussion. You are going to need copies of all of their financial records to insure that you won’t be saddled with supporting them in their retirement and/or to see what kind of inheritance your wife can be expecting.
ka1982 writes:
NTA for having concerns but there’s two components here.
Running a criminal background check is a public record search that can be done for little money — or honestly for free if her parents are lawyers or otherwise have Westlaw access. It’s not an insane precaution as sketchy folks/scammers tend to lie about things like criminal convictions and, contrary to a lot of the comments here, not the equivalent of bank statements as it’s public information.
The sit-down to discuss it is insane, and it’s indicative of boundary-stomping parents, and you need to have an actual conversation with your fiancée about just how involved her parents are going to be in your lives if you go forward.
Before you break up… call your fiancée immediately and talk to her about her mothers request/demand and ask if she knew about it. Tell her you have nothing to hide, no criminal history, but that this is absolutely not going to happen.
Ask her how she would feel if your parents had made the same request about popping around for coffee and character critique.
once you have her response you can take some time to work out if you want to be involved with her still.
This is creepy as hell, but probably not your fiancee’s fault. Why don’t you say to your future in-laws that you’d love to sit down with them and your fiancee and go over all four of your criminal records together? YWNBTA however.
It concerns me that your first impulse is to break up with her because of her parents’ order – which of course you should just refuse. Quite a lot if people do run background checks on partners these days before they date or as they get serious, but what’s really weird to me is that they demanded that you sit down and discuss it with them. My guess is that they did an internet search and someone with your name came up with something problematic.
So talk with your fiancee first, not just about this ridiculous demand but about the fact that it’s made you wary of a lifetime of interactions with them.
